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Post Info TOPIC: Gratitude


Mookish Deity Most High

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Date:
Gratitude


Lovelies, I don't know how much I'm capable of saying at the moment, because I've been feeling so rubbish that negative things have been all I can handle. I'm sorry I've been a shit poster recently, not responding to other people's miseryposts and only making my own. Depression is a selfish illness, and all too often at the moment it's been reaching a point where it's the only thing in my head, and everything else is embarrassingly peripheral. I love you all so much and I really do care an incredible amount about how you're feeling and what's going on in your lives; I'm sorry that my ability to show it has lapsed so much recently.

 

This topic is just to thank you all for how lovely and supportive you've been recently. I've had forum replies, whiteboard posts, facebook messages and texts from people I didn't even know had invested themselves. I couldn't reply to them because I didn't know how to give them the responses they deserved when all the things in my head are horribly selfish, but I was utterly overwhelmed with love and a wonderful feeling of being wanted. In my darker moments I find it horribly easy to convince myself that this is just a forum full of anonymous people and that no one actually cares or would notice if I stopped posting here; of course that isn't true, it's my mind playing horrible tricks, and every time I meet up with one of you, or get a text or a nice message or a Christmas card, I'm reminded of how much and how deeply I've invested myself in this forum and how much I love you all. You're such a lifeline and, despite my recent selfish disappearances, I really want you all to know it.

 

At the moment I'm really trying to get myself sorted out. I've been weaning myself off citalopram and came off it completely last week; since then I've been an absolute mess, and it's that terrifying no-man's-land where I don't know if I feel like this because I'm bound to feel worse than usual coming off the pills, or whether this was what I felt like before I went on them. I've had horrible dark thoughts, weird withdrawal effects and all sorts while I've been drug-free, but I've just started taking sertraline instead and I'm hoping that's going to do the trick instead. I'm waiting for a call back from the mental health worker at my local surgery, too, and I think I'll feel a lot happier once I've got sorted out.

 

Austerlitz is so wonderful and supportive, but I think sometimes he's so good to me that I forget it takes its toll on him. He got quite upset the other day because it was his evening off work, and I'd started the evening feeling quite alright but suddenly had a mood swing and got very miserable very quickly. I think it's only the second or third time I've ever seen him cry, and it reminded me that I can't just sit around with this and hope that everyone else is going to make this easier for me; I need to put the effort in to drag myself out of this. I used to have such a drive to do that, but I think recently I've lapsed into getting used to it, and that's a dangerous thing. This is really the main impetus for me to get better: I don't want to keep taking this out on him. My biggest fear, somehow, is that if we ever split up, he would remember me primarily as being depressed, rather than by any of the wonderful things we have going on. I'm determined not to let this overshadow our relationship.

 

I think it's partly because my course has been so stressful. Coming from a background in linguistics, starting a course in literature and history has been incredibly difficult and I've felt massively out of my depth. The workload is insane (I know I'm not the only one who's suffering) and I know I'm not working to the best of my ability. I have 7000 words' worth of essays to write over Christmas and I haven't written a thing yet. I'm terrified: the thought of starting fills me with blind panic, and the thought that I'll have to submit these essays as part of my PhD application really doesn't help.

 

I've made a start on taking the pressure off myself a little, though. The other day I went back to the doctor and got a note, and I wrote my department an email to explain my current situation. Within a day I had lovely emails waiting for me from my personal tutor and the course convenor, both saying they'd never have known I was struggling, but they can be flexible about deadlines and would like to discuss ways of making this year easier for me. And I've decided that if it all gets too much, I'll switch to part-time and do the course over two years instead. It costs no more to do it that way, I'll still be able to do the PhD and, with any luck, I'll feel a bit more positive by that point.

 

I'm trying very hard to help myself remember that these things aren't out to get me; people want to help and they understand that it isn't easy trying to get oneself out of a situation like this. And I'm trying to remember that even if things don't work out it won't be the end of the world: even if this year goes to pot, I have a first-class degree and, to some extent, the world is my oyster.

 

The scariest thing is not knowing how long this feeling is going to last, and that, though any impetus to change it will come from me, it's my own brain that is causing me to feel like this rather than any outside stimulus. The idea that my own mind isn't working in my best interests is horrible, but I know that's something I need to change, and I'm determined to., Just please bear with me while I do: I know I can be horrible to be around, a miserable poster, an unworthy girlfriend, when I'm like this, but I don't want to be and in the future I'm sure I won't be.

 

I love you all so much and I'm so incredibly grateful for your support and your wonderful, caring collective nature as a forum. You've done so much for me, and I hope that soon I'll be able to give back as much as I've received.



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Mookish Deity Most High

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Posts: 3424
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You are a lovely, amazing person!! I envy your style and your wit and how good you look dressed up as a piece of sushi

I hope the new tablets help you feel better and I'm glad that your uni are being helpful.

*muchos hugs to both of you*


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Mookish Deity Most High

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Darling, I am afraid I don't have much to say to you, only that your post was inspiring. You will to fight your depression and your will to get to a place where you will be happy is wonderful, and it really and truly has inspired me. I've been in a bit of a slump lately and it's been affecting everything in my life negatively, especially my college work. Reading your post has reminded me that I shouldn't let these things eat me up, and that I should fight them, the way you spoke of fighting them. You will get back to a good place. With your attitude I have absolutely no doubts that you will be able to do it. xxx

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Mookish Deity Most High

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We love you so much darling xx

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Mookish Deity Most High

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Posts: 2256
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Oh, Annis, you beautiful beautiful person.
I'm sorry I haven't been particularly supportive of late, my life took some strange turns and I had to be a bit selfish in order to sort it all out. But dearest, I LOVE YOU. You're an amazing creature and you have a wonderful life ahead of you. I know depression way too well and I know what it feels like when you start wondering if you'll ever be happy again. But yes, you can, and you will be. I promise.
I'm glad your tutor is being supportive and I think it's great that you're being proactive and looking for ways to take some pressure off yourself. Life can get overwhelming at times and there's nothing wrong with taking things step by step. The fact that you're not giving up is a fantastic sign, your mind might be playing tricks on you but you can still think rationally and work towards achieving your goals.
Don't feel bad about feeling down. It just happens for no reason and the only thing you can do is take it day by day. You're young, intelligent, you have a lovely boyfriend and lots of friends. The sadness is just temporary. Really, it is.
Also, if the world doesn't prove to be satisfactory, I'll be your oyster anytime, oh baby. ;)

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Mookish Deity Most High

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I love you very, very much, as we all do.

I think you're incredible, and the way you're taking steps to make life easier for yourself - and refusing to give up - makes me so proud of you. I hope you manage to sort things out soon, because you do not deserve sads.

*squish* xxx

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Mookface (mod)

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You know how much I love you xxx

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Mookish Deity Most High

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Posts: 1626
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Annis, lovely, you're such a sweetheart, and you don't need to apologise for anything. You're amazing, a linguistic, knitting, friendship genius and I'm so glad that we all could help you in some way. You're being really strong and proactive, and you know you can lean on us for anything. I hope things get a bit less sad for you soon, because you're fantastic and deserve good things. Lots of love xxx

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Booky Mooky (mod)

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Annis you sweetie. You're a bloody brilliant friend and I really hope that you can lose these sads soon because you deserve to be full of joy and love all the freaking time. If you need to vent there is always mooky, otherwise I am a phone call away xxx

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Mookish Deity Most High

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Annis, you're a truly wonderful human being, and the thought of you feeling like this makes me just want to do anything I can to make you feel better! You are a lovely, lovely person, who seems to be talented at everything you turn your hand to. Wonderful things will happen for you, I promise!

I feel a little bit bad for not making an effort to show you that I do care about you, but that's what this illness does, isn't it? It makes you lose perspective on everything, and neglect people, and forget how wonderful and powerful we really are. I've been neglecting the mooks too, but we both need to remember that we can always come back, and we will always have a proverbial comfy armchair in front of a blazing fire waiting. Probably some imaginary slippers and cocoa as well.

You're not alone in this, and we'll always be here for you. I think it's about time I sent you a letter again! I need to write to so many mooks- it's about time I broke my pens out!

You are special, and you are loved, and I am so, so fortunate to have met you. Without you I'd certainly have a lot less happy memories, one less wonderful friend, and even worse, I'd probably still be drinking shitty continental lager. Perish the thought!

Without you the world would be a darker place. Keep your chin up, keep making yourself cups of tea, and don't let this win. You will have bad days, but you can get through them, and remember they don't mean you're a failure- it means you're winning, because not every day is a bad day. I hope sertraline works for you, and you start feeling a lot better soon. If you have skype, message it to me and we can talk whenever you like. You have my number and my facebook, so if you ever need a chat I'm there. x


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Professor Mook (mod)

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Poor Annis! I love you ever so much.

I will send you a message. xxx

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Annointed Queen of Mook - Founder and Editor

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To my chagrin I've only met you a couple of times, but I really, really like you. Nay, love you to bits. When I've felt low I've felt an odd modicum of comfort in the way some Irish people sometimes phrase feelings. They don't say "I am sad". Instead they might say "a sadness has come upon me", or "a sadness has come over me". And they say it about happiness, of course. Their language reminds me that emotions are like clouds - they are temporary, they pass through. With the sads, they may stay a little longer than one would like - but their nature is to move, and make room for the next fluffly little cloud of emotion to come along.

I'm so proud of you for mustering the strength to have a little chat with your tutor and course convener, and am so glad it brought such positive results. In terms of essays, I personally feel it can sometimes take the stress away to allow yourself to write a gloriously bad essay rather than none at all. A bad essay can be tweaked over a nice cup of tea to become a better essay. Work done is never work wasted - it's like a preparation of thoughts, and all goes into the mix.

Big hugs to you and yours xxx

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Honoured Mook

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Aw Annis we all love you! XxX



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High Mookish Shaman

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Posts: 699
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I have no proper advice to give, but it doesn't sound like you need it if you are working on feeling better by yourself! That's something not a lot of people can do. As is everyone else is, I am here for you, even if you don't need anything in particular. We all love you and you will always have a special place in my heart because you were the first person here who I spoke to properly (my good fortune!)

Much love and well wishes!
xxxxxxxxxxxx

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Mookish Deity Most High

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Huge hugs for Annis *squish squish squish*

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Mookish Deity Most High

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I have been a rubbish poster recently and I left a wee whiteboard message not long ago but I just want to reiterate all the warm fuzzy feelings I have for you. I envy you in so many ways and truly hope you start to feel better soon. x

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